low t and possible effects on brain

[sarahlucy]

Will try and keep this short as poss as long story! " years ago my h left me and young kids . Massive shock. Just said he no longer loved me but didn't know what he was looking for. He still fancied me and cared but wasn't happy. After 7 months he started new relationship and at same time diagnosed with testicular cancer. It was rare from (same as Lance Armstrong) and had spread. Despite the hurt i told him i would support him through it. After first chemo he really responded to my friendship and very soon told me he had fallen in love with me again and realised what was important. He said other relationship was short lived, never felt right and should never have happened and he regretted it massively. I believed him, the tears were genuine and we started to rebuild but concentrate primarily on his cancer. I wondered if his 70000+ HCG levels (female hormone) that were alien to his body had contributed to his mind set when he left. He had lots of chemo and major surgery and was given all clear. Moved back in with us to recover. All seemed fine. Once better sex life was better than ever and it seemed all as it was and i was so happy. He did have counselling to try help him come to terms with whole cancer thing which he struggled with. He also never went back to work as was made redundant after 19 years but accepted that. Then about 7 months after surgery he gradually withdrew from me until there was no physical contact. He did nothing at home accept sit on computer. I felt he was very low. Cancer check up in Dec revealed he had low t (we are in Uk and his level was 10). After looking upo many websites i wondered if this was cause. He told me he didn't even think abou sedx anynore and that he just felt numb towards me and felt like things had gone back in his head to how they were when he left. When i asked him if he loved kids he tearfully admitted he didn't think he loved anyone. He also couldn't bear anyone touching him. And then he left again. Told me he was running away from everything not just me. After he left he got a job and then revealed he was living about 2 hours away from us. I was devastated cos i realised it must mean he was back in touch with woman from before. He sees kids regularly but no where near as much as he should. He was always such a doting Dad and now kids say he is not the same fun dad anymore. He has also admitted he is back with this woman. But in same text told me he still struggled with all his emotions and is very low still. Running away feels like the only way to cope sometimes. Sorry.
I believe this woman is just 'there' and he has grabbed onto her. He is cklearly still in a bad place. I have told him he could get help but he seems to want to settle for how he now. Told me brother in law tearfully before he left that the old him was dead, he couldn't find him and therefore he not coming back. I can't believe the man he has become. I know it seems he has totally given up on me but i can't yet give up on him altho i know i should. As far as i know he is still not being trated for low t as his consulatant says he now just falls in normal levels. I would so question this. No idea but presume he has some sort of sex life now. I would so welcome any thoughts on this as my friends think i am clutching at straws. Another web site mentioned dopamine to me and suggested low t affects this and could therefore effect his feeling of love. I welcome ANY thoughts, opinions, experiences and suggestions. Many thanks

[david]

Hi sarahlucy, and welcome to meHacker.

First off, apologies for the delay in replying - we have had a quite a few technical issues in getting the forum up and running, but we're in a good place now.

Looking at this purely from a 'low T' perspective, it sounds like this angle has been looked into, and he doesn't have a low T level (although it's always good to figure out what the actual number was - interpretations of 'low' vary widely).

I'm not sure what to tell you here - low T levels could have precipitated a change in behavior for your husband. It could also have been the shock of an experience like battling cancer. It could have been a 'mid-life crisis'. It's really all pure speculation at this point. Something happened, something changed, and we'll probably never know if there was any physiological trigger behind this.

Honestly, the real root of the change at this point would be pure speculation, and even if we knew what it was we can't go back and change history. Something happened at some point, and the real question now is what it would take for everyone to move forward from here.

There's nothing harder than the breakup of a long term relationship - I can only try to understand the pain that you have experienced, and I wish you all the best in moving on from here. I'm not a good one for giving advice in these types of emotionally charged situations, but I would encourage you to try not to find physiological triggers in past events - you'll never prove yourself wrong or right I'm afraid.

All the best, and take care......

- David

[sarahlucy]

Thanks for your thoughts. Just one last ting going back to the low t thing. All i know is that his levels were 10 (we are in the UK) and he was told this scraped in the normal range. Another web site i e mailed told me thins figure of 10 converts to 290 which is the equivalent level of a 90 year old man...my H is 39!
I accept he has moved on and there is nothing i can do to change this but i just can't accept how someones feelings can vear from one extreme to the other in a relatively short space of time. He is clearly depressed although not seeking treatment, he just seems to think he has to accept the way he is now. I just wondered in your experienced opinion how much if at all this figure could affect a man's mind. It certainly effected his libido which was normally pretty high but of course i have no ideas how this is now. And he certainly has other issues mainly relating to his illness but his withdrawal from me did seem to coincide with his low T and i just wonder if this could really be related?